


Veterinary Magic 101

by Shiro_Kabocha



Series: Dorm Life at Garreg Mach Monastery [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Horses, Magic Class
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-28 03:09:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20771555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shiro_Kabocha/pseuds/Shiro_Kabocha
Summary: All the magic-users from each of the three houses are required to take a class on animal healing, but not all of them want to be there.





	Veterinary Magic 101

**Author's Note:**

> OMG, Shiro wrote something that isn't explicit!!! (AKA: My first attempt at a humorous fic.) Enjoy!

"Sorry for running late!" Marianne rushed up to her fellow mages, panting as she dropped several bags of feed, healing supplies and books on the ground, sending up a puff of dust. "Professor Manuela can't make it, but she said it's okay for me to teach you all. Is everyone here already?"

"Take a moment to catch your breath, Marianne!" Annette said cheerfully. "I've been looking forward to this lesson all week!"

"Yes, being able to heal our stalwart horses is almost as important as healing our comrades," Mercedes agreed, holding up a sugar cube to a horse leaning over the half door of his stall. "But I'm sorry to hear about Professor Manuela. Is she alright?"

"She's just feeling a bit...under the weather." Marianne glanced away. By the rueful grins and shuffling of feet, it seemed everyone present understood "under the weather" to mean "hungover."

"I've been looking forward to this lesson, too, but holding class in the stable yard is a bit...dirty, isn't it?" Dorothea asked, holding a cloth over her nose. "Isn't there a way we could have learned this in a classroom? With a cat, maybe?"

"Oh, no, cats are very different from horses," Marianne assured her. "But I would be more than happy to schedule a separate lesson on the healing of small animals, such as cats, dogs and birds. I'm afraid we're only covering horses and livestock animals today."

"Erm, no, that's okay," Dorothea quickly assured Marianne. "I wouldn't want to be a bother."

"It wouldn't be any bother at all!" Marianne replied, eyes shining. "In fact, if you come by my room later, I can show you my current patient--"

"Can we just get to the lesson so we can get this over with?" Lysithea cut in, arms folded across her chest. "I don't even understand why I'm here. I'd rather be learning black magic rather than this healing stuff."

"Now now," Mercedes said kindly. "It's important to cross-train. What would you do if your team's healer was suddenly incapacitated?"

"Not heal a horse," Lysithea muttered rebelliously.

"I suppose we should get started." Marianne glanced around at the surrounding faces. "Um, is this everyone? I can't help but feel we're missing someone..."

"I have him right here." The unctuous voice emerged from around the corner a moment before Hubert appeared, towing Linhardt along by his arm. "Lady Edelgard seemed to think he would conveniently forget about today's lesson. I found him sleeping on the training grounds."

"In my defense, I didn't expect anyone to come looking for me in the training grounds," Linhardt replied, speaking through a yawn he didn't bother covering. "The stones there get quite warm in direct sunlight. I'm afraid I'm still terribly sleepy."

"Yes, well, be that as it may, Lady Edelgard wished for you to take this class, and now here you are." Hubert thrust Linhardt forward a few steps, as if tossing away a piece of refuse. "I'll take my leave of you all now so that you may continue the lesson."

"Just a moment, Hubie," Dorothea called, halting him midstep. "Aren't you signed up for this class as well? You are a magic-user."

"Yes, but as I am not a healer, there are better uses for my time" Hubert replied perfunctorily.

"Me too!" Lysithea chimed in. "I'll just leave you all to it."

"I may be a healer, but I'm going to take a pass on this lecture," Linhardt said with a lazy wave. "Have fun playing with the ponies."

"Um..." Marianne fidgeted with a piece of paper.

"Lady Edelgard specifically put your name down for this lesson, Linhardt, so you'll stay and you'll learn," Hubert demanded, blocking Linhardt's retreat with an outflung arm.

"Do we have to do everything Edelgard says just because Edelgard said it?" Linhardt asked in a suffering voice.

"Of course we do," Hubert snapped impatiently.

"Oh, well then, it looks like you're staying too, Hubert," Mercedes said cheerfully, reading the sign-up sheet over Marianne's shoulder.

"What nonsense is this?" Hubert demanded to know.

Mercedes slipped the paper from Marianne's fingers and turned it to face the group. "This is the sign-up sheet for this class. That is Edelgard's handwriting, is it not?"

Hubert squinted, as if trying to detect a forgery. "I daresay it is."

"And that is your name, isn't it?" Mercedes continued, smiling beatifically.

Hubert leveled a glare at her promising a slow and painful death. Mercedes merely beamed back at him.

"Great! Now that that's settled, we should start the lesson!" Annette proclaimed cheerfully. "Go ahead, Marianne, I'm so excited to learn this!"

It seemed she was just about the only one who felt so. Lysithea crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. Dorothea sighed behind her scented handkerchief. Hubert glared and Linhardt yawned. Mercedes stood at Marianne's shoulder, lending silent support as the nervous, impromptu instructor shuffled her notes, trembling very slightly.

"Alright," Marianne finally said, drawing a deep breath. "I thought we'd start by pointing out the differences between horses and humans to help us understand why a separate healing lesson is necessary. Does anyone know how horses differ from humans?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!" Annette bounced on the balls of her feet, hand shooting into the air. Marianne nodded at her, a grateful smile on her face. "Humans have hands and horses only have feet!"

"Well, actually, a horse's four limbs have structural similarities to human arms and legs," Marianne said. "But that was a very good guess. Anyone else?"

"Humans don't smell as bad as horses?" Lysithea suggested, a sardonic twinge in her voice.

"Well, horses don't bathe as often as humans, so we can forgive them that, I think," Marianne said, seeming to settle into her role as the instructor. "Who else knows a difference between humans and horses? Linhardt?"

The scholar heaved a suffering sigh. "If you insist, then some of the more obvious differences are that horses have their eyes positioned laterally, which allows them to see in both binocular and monocular vision, whereas humans only possess monocular vision. Horse eyes also possess the tapetum lucidum, which humans lack entirely. Horses are digitigrade odd-toed ungulates whereas humans are plantigrade...well, I suppose non-ungulates isn't a word, but suffice it to say that we don't possess hooves. And of course, horses are hindgut fermenters and humans do not possess an efficient means of breaking down cellulose."

Marianne blinked. Glanced down at her notes. Flipped a page. "Um..."

Linhardt rolled his eyes and sighed again. "Although I suppose the rather banal answer you were looking for was something along the lines of differences in diet and dentition. Simply put: horses are herbivores."

"Yes!" Marianne seized upon the answer, ignoring the attitude with which it was given. "And what does that--"

"Hey!" Lysithea said, pushing forward to stand in front of Linhardt. "None of us want to be here right now, but that doesn't give you the right to be a jerk to Marianne!"

"I want to be here," Annette protested.

Linhardt looked down at Lysithea with an expression of mixed confusion and amusement. "I answered her question. More succinctly than you did, I might add."

"_My_ answer might have been rude to the horses, but _your_ answer was rude to Marianne! You need to apologize." Lysithea pointed an accusatory finger at Linhardt, rising up on her toes to make herself look taller.

"Now now, Lysithea," Mercedes counseled. "I'm sure Linhardt didn't mean to sound as rude as he did. Let's all just--"

"Can we just get on with this?" Hubert cut over her. Mercedes’ cheerful mask slipped as she shot a glare over at him.

"Um, so, yes," Marianne said, swallowing and steeling herself. "Since horses only eat grass, when healing them we need to take into account--"

"I actually protest beginning this class based on the differences between horses and humans," Linhardt said suddenly.

"Um, what?" Marianne asked.

"Good goddess, Linhardt, do you want to teach this lesson?" Dorothea asked sharply. "If you could just let her finish, then this class would be over sooner."

"I _could_ teach this lesson, if it were at all worth learning," Linhardt said in a superior tone.

"How dare you!" Lysithea raged, jabbing Linhardt in the chest with her finger. "Marianne isn't even supposed to be the teacher of this lesson! The least you could do is be respectful!"

"And I will be," Linhardt said, agreeably. "As long as Marianne can explain exactly why we would ever need to know how to heal a horse."

"But that's easy!" Annette protested. "Whenever we go on a mission, we always have horses, either to carry us or pull wagons or warhorses trained in battle. And if a horse gets injured during a march, we'd have to heal it in order to continue."

"Why not just trade it at a village?" Hubert asked in a suffering voice. "That's what we normally do, isn't it? A villager trades us a healthy horse for an injured but well-trained monastery horse. They nurse it back to health and it's worth double what their original animal was worth. And then our march isn't delayed with unnecessary healing and the recovery time that follows."

"Yes, exactly," Linhardt said, pointing to Hubert. "Although, it feels strange to find myself in agreement with you."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Hubert asked.

"But what if there are no villages?" Annette asked, once again raising her hand in the air as she asked the question. "What if we're on mountain trails, far away from any village and a horse gets sick or injured? Wouldn't it be better to know how to heal it?"

"Well, in that specific situation," Linhardt said, considering thoughtfully. "The answer is obvious."

"Right, which is why we're learning how to heal--" But Annette was cut off by Hubert's answer.

"Eat the horse."

Linhardt pointed at Hubert. "Exactly."

A stunned silence overtook the female mages.

Then they all began talking at once.

"How dare you suggest such a thing?" Dorothea demanded to know, smacking both of her teammates' shoulders, though it was hard to tell if she was more disgusted by their answer or by possibly having to eat horse meat.

"That's so cruel!" Annette's eyes were watering. "That horse worked so hard to carry supplies or a rider up that mountain path and you're just going to--going to--"

"Now now, let's all settle down," Mercedes said, trying for peace.

Marianne looked as if she might faint.

"How is that the logical solution?" Lysithea demanded to know. "Then you have one less horse to help carry people or supplies and you're out in the middle of nowhere!"

"Is it not obvious?" Linhardt asked, looking to Hubert.

Hubert shrugged. "I suppose not."

"How is it obvious?" Lysithea asked, furious.

"Well, if you're marching a mountain path, there's not enough water and grass to sustain all the horses in the train, so already you're carrying, what, about one hundred and forty pounds of hay at least, and perhaps seventy gallons of water per horse? And that's not to mention grain or other necessary supplies. In fact, when you get right down to it, more horses are used to carry horse-related supplies than human-related supplies. So if a horse comes up injured, it's better to butcher and eat it in order to reduce the weight of supplies being carried for its upkeep." Linhardt looked around at the other mages. "And depending on how long the troop has been marching, fresh meat usually results in an increase in morale, so there's that. Although I admit, that's harder to quantify."

Dorothea's mouth twisted into a moue. "You know, that does make a sort-of twisted sense."

"B-but what about the horse?" Annette asked, sniffling as tears ran down her face. "What if she's loved and has a name and what if a handsome stallion is waiting for her to come back home?"

"One of the first lessons any healer learns is that you can't save everyone," Hubert replied heartlessly. "Sentiment plays no role in healing."

"While this has been an interesting aside into logistics," Mercedes said sternly, "There are times when the benefits of healing a horse outweigh the negatives. Suppose one of the lancers’ warhorses was injured a day or two before the charge. The commander needs every warhorse he can get, so he orders you to heal the horse."

"It's still not economical, magically speaking," Linhardt protested. "You see, even with years and years of study into veterinary magic, at most what you're doing is guessing at the problem. We determine injury or illness in animals symptomatically because a horse can't tell us the exact nature of the problem. If a horse goes off its feed, is it because the feed is bad? Or is it full? Is it colicking? Is it gas? Is it one of a thousand diseases? When healing a fellow human--" Linhardt placed his hand on Hubert's shoulder as if using him as an example, "--is that while the human might not specifically state: 'Help, a portion of my intestines has protruded though my inguinal canal,' at the least he can state: 'I have intense pain in my groin' which gives a healer an adequate place to begin the healing process."

"Linhardt?"

"Yes, Hubert?"

"Stay away from my groin." Hubert violently shoved Linhardt's hand off his shoulder.

"It was just an example," Linhardt huffed. "I didn't think you wanted everyone to know about the chicken bone that perforated your duodenum last week."

"And yet, now they know." Hubert dropped his face into his hand and rubbed his forehead.

Lysithea made a face. "You really should chew your food better."

Hubert fixed her with an acidic glare before shifting his gaze over to Marianne. "Are we quite finished here? I believe my colleague--such as he is--has rendered this entire lesson moot by now."

"Hold on!" Annette cried. "Are you saying that just because healing a horse is harder that we shouldn't even try?"

"Essentially, yes," Linhardt replied with a scholar's cold logic. "Especially if we're talking about a warhorse coming up injured a day before a charge. Warhorses may be important, but healers are even more so. Why drain a healer of his magic to search out an unknown ailment in an animal when you know that healer is going to need all his strength to keep the soldiers on the battlefield alive?"

Dorothea and Lysithea exchanged a regretful yet understanding look. Annette shuffled and sniffed softly.

"If we're through here--" Hubert started, already turning away from the group.

"Now listen!" Mercedes set her fists on her hips and raised her chin defiantly. "You are all signed up for this class by your house leaders and you are all going to stay until the end, which can go quickly if you simply let Marianne speak, or can take all night if you continue questioning the course content."

Marianne appeared to have hidden behind her stack of notes, leaving only a strip of crimson forehead showing beneath her hairline.

"As I said, I will willingly submit to this lesson if there is a valid reason for it," Linhardt reminded her. "So far, I haven't heard one piece of compelling evidence that this knowledge is necessary."

"I, for once, am in agreement with Linhardt," Hubert said, though he sounded as if it pained him to say it.

"Compelling, hm?" Mercedes set a finger against her chin thoughtfully. "Linhardt, is it compelling enough if I vow that for every time you open your mouth, I'll arrange it so that we take sword-training lessons together?"

"Come now, Mercedes. My swordsmanship is terrible, but if anything, yours is wor--Oh I see, you're threatening me with bodily harm."

Mercedes beamed. "Is it working?"

Linhardt considered thoughtfully before nodding. "Yes. It is."

"Good." Mercedes turned to Hubert. "Now, I seem to recall the choir instructor saying something about your attendance lately. Is this something Lady Edelgard is aware of? She seems to have been taking an interest in your faith learning recently, especially considering how she signed you up for this class."

Hubert made a face as if he'd just swallowed a lemon whole. "My choir attendance or lack thereof is not something that needs to trouble Lady Edelgard."

"Good." Mercedes smiled cheerfully. "Kindly keep your mouth shut for the remainder of the lesson unless you want me giving you personal voice lessons in the courtyard outside the dining hall for the next month."

Hubert's face turned an ugly puce color even as he pressed his lips together in a thin, bloodless line.

"You tell 'em, Mercie!" Annette cheered, seeming over her earlier tears. "What's next, Marianne? I'm ready to learn!"

Dorothea smiled behind her handkerchief, shrugging at her teammates as if to say "Well, you gave it your best shot" then turned her attention over to Marianne, who slowly lowered the notes from her face and looked to Mercedes as if for reassurance. Lysithea shuffled, her hands twisting as if she was considering raising another argument, but then she caught sight of Mercedes’ slightly narrowed gaze and fell still, hands folded neatly in front of her.

"Go on, Marianne," Mercedes said encouragingly, though she took up a position at Marianne's shoulder like an assistant general. "I think you'll find them well behaved now."

Hubert crossed his arms and refused to acknowledge anyone. Linhardt turned his head and yawned, but gestured for Marianne to continue the lesson.

"Great." Marianne gave Mercedes a relieved smile. "Alright. Let's go over a few of the more common ailments that horses might suffer..."

In the end, they all learned basic veterinary care for horses. Whether they wanted to or not.

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at a humorous fic. What did you guys think? Any ideas for classroom-type stories for anyone else? Or any "slice-of-life" type ideas for my Dorm Life at Garreg Mach Monastery series? Let me know in the comments or on my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ShiroKabocha1).


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